"For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us." Ephesians 2:14
As Mike was talking about this verse this morning at church, something hit me. Not only do we built walls between groups of people, such as the Jews and Gentiles in this example, blacks and whites, men and women, etc., but I noticed that through my life, I have built a wall around myself.
Through this wall, people saw me as they saw me. I don't know how different people saw my life, how my life may have affected theirs, so people saw how they chose. But I feel that many people, if any, don't really know me. Now, when I say know I don't mean know in the sense that you know my name, where I am from, or any other fact about my life. I compare it to the movie "Avatar," when they say "I see you." It isn't the physical act of seeing each other, but it is seeing who that person truly is, seeing them to their heart. I still feel that knowing goes further than that. You can learn a lot by a persons actions, but I feel that knowing a person means you can ask them a question, and they will tell you anything. When you know someone, you can tell something is going on in their life even if they say they are "good." The thing is, that people don't know me like that because I don't let them. It's the wall. People ask me questions, pursue those questions, but I give simple one word answers that make it really hard to lead into anything else. It's partly because that is who I am, but I was also trying to cut things off.
Why did I build this wall? I haven't any idea. When did I start building it? An even better question. I feel that only recently, I have started to chip the wall down. Or, perhaps, it has been happening over the past couple years, and now there is a break in the wall.
The past couple of weeks, I have been struggling and possibly wrestling with God. We've been going back and forth on where my life is supposed to go. Back and forth on why He has put me where I am and why He is taking me else where. But, he also put a hole in my wall. With this issue, He opened me up to my parents, friends, and many people in my life. The result of this break in the wall was, and still is, overwhelming. I have never had so many people tell me that they were praying for me. I've never had so many people care for and give assistance to what my future may hold. This, though, added to the confusion. Not only did I have my thoughts, but I also had the other options that those people I confided in want me to go their way, or gave me a vague answer that in turn gave me more thoughts to think about.
So, back to the wrestling. All of these options given to me, each with things that appeared to be both good and bad, but I won't know until it happens. A decision still had to be made though. I am a very logical person and that I how I put myself into a few of these options, both Mechanical Engineering and ROTC. Engineering would provide me with a god job after college, and ROTC would guarantee me a job as long as I completed the program. Are these things what I really want to do with my life? I struggled with this a while, and I realized that I chose to do these things for the logical sense instead of being the things that I wanted to do, the things I would be passionate about. I could set my mind to being the best engineer or Air Force officer in the world, but my heart wouldn't be in to entirely. That's what happened, my heart took over my mind, like in a race when your legs tell you mind they are tired. If you let your mind win you slow down, but if you let your legs do what you they are capable of, amazing things will happen.
So, if you haven't figured it out yet, my heart isn't into what I am doing right now, so that means I need to change that. I am, if you would like to call it, dropping out of college. I am happy in a sense, and pained and afraid in another. Happy because it is probably the biggest step of faith that I have ever taken. Happy because it is a step in the direction to where I am supposed to be. Pained because I do not want to leave the dorms. All of the friendships I have made and all of the opportunities the dorm life offers. I don't plan on leaving NW Arkansas and I hope to find a place to live for the rest of the semester, at least. Afraid because I don't want to lose all that my life in college has given me. I pray that the relationships that I have now will not be affected after I am no longer on campus, as much, or a student. I don't know what the future holds in its entirety, but as Jesus said "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
The wall is broken, but it still needs to be broken down. Thank you for your prayers and for reading.
Until next time...
Peace.
Wow, Ben, this is so brave. And so...true, if that makes any sense. I feel as if you are stripping away the falseness, all of the extras in life that make decisions difficult and passion hard to follow and you are stepping out. When we step out in faith, God answers our bravery with such incredible care and provision.
ReplyDeleteOswald Chambers writes: "We all have any number of visions and ideals when we are young, but sooner or later we find that we have no power to make them real. We cannot do the things we long to do, and we are apt to settle down to the visions and ideals as dead, and God has to come and say - 'Arise from the dead' (Eph. 5:14). When the inspiration of God does come, it comes with such miraculous power that we are able to arise from the dead and do the impossible thing. The remarkable thing about spiritual initiative is that the life comes after we do the 'bucking up.' God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life AS WE OVERCOME. When the inspiration of God comes and he says 'Arise from the dead,' we have to get up; God does not lift us up. Our Lord said to the man with the withered hand 'Stretch forth thy hand,' and as soon as the man did so, his hand was healed, but he had to take the initiative. If we will do the overcoming, we shall find we are inspired of God because He gives life immediately."
May you be granted life immediately.
Ben,
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me like you've really thought this through. I know how tough it is to wrestle with decisions, especially daunting ones. As you know I recently made a decision that at the time I immediately regretted. Now, with only about a week's distance do I realize that I did do the right thing, and that I just wish I had realized it sooner.
It's hard to come to a "crossroads-esque" decision like that, but the fact that you've look at it both logically and emotionally says a lot about you and what you need and want. Life is rough, it's hard, taxing, difficult, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. It can be so deceptive at times too, making you think you want or need one thing when you really need another. But keep on persevering and being yourself and allowing that wall to come down.
You said you are planning on staying in NWA? Well, I mean this sincerely, if you need something call me. You are a great guy and if there is something I can do for you (ie. try to help you find a place to live, talk or listen, etc) all you have to do is let me know. As Erin said above, you are brave for doing this and coming to a hard decision such as this deserves commendation. Good luck, Ben.
Your friend,
Pierce
Wow, Ben! You are a very courageous young man. I think it is so very courageous to take a step you know others may not approve of but do so because of your convictions and, bottom line, FAITH, that it is the right thing to do right now. I have no doubt that God will lead you where you need to go and that this will feel right when it does happen. In the mean time remember that your life is not accounted by what you do, but who you are . If you choose to dig ditches for a living (which is more lucrative financially these days than alot of things), you will still be Ben and will offer to God and others that precious life work that He leads you to. I am so pleased that the wall is coming down and that you are allowing others as well as yourself to see who you are and who you are becoming. I have known since I first met you that getting to know you, truly, is a privilege that you have let very few experience. I hope that I can enter into the realm of those who really get to know who you are!
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